Written By: Hayah Iqbal
It’s not I, it has been you who had never accepted me as your good friend. And no, I’m not looking for any reasons anymore. I know I did not back off. I know how with all my heart and soul I was willing to make this happen. To save the best-friend relation and for the relation I ever craved for. You disappeared. You walked away as if I don’t even exist. And the main reason why you see me as someone who withdrew is because that is how you have always thought of me. And I apparently failed in making you believe that I’d do whatever it would take.
Yes, it is unjust. It is unjust how you never forgave me. How you never listened to me if I could get a chance to prove you I’ve changed. It is unjust how you still consider me someone who backed off instead of thinking where did you go wrong. It is unjust how you assume ‘I’ have ‘teamed up’ with people I barely know. Funny you never understood that you were someone whose pain I wanted to take away. And now because you abandoned me, you might think I don’t like you now.
You think hating you has brought me peace? It has made it all the more worst. A year ago, there were the days when you initiated a friendship with me. You think it wasn’t painful when you shushed me and cut me off and just…Vanished? You think it was easy to think about you all day long and accepting the fact that you’d never be mine again? You think it was easy for me to handle when people blabbered about me behind my back and I got to listen it from everybody else? You think it was easy for me not talking to you for more than days because the third person kept blurting out stupid stuffs? And now, somebody had to say goodbye, and you were the one. You were the one leaving me in the abyss of emptiness to suffer in alone.
I’ve been in no less pain ever since you abandoned me. And anger is all that I have left. It is all that I’m holding on to. It is all that I feel and stay angry at others more than I’m angry at you. Anger is all I feel thinking about the regrets and the mistakes I had committed. You think I joyfully accepted the harsh reality living happily when I did not even understand the ‘h’ of happy? I don’t remember you as a monster that ruined a phase of my life. I remember you as someone who walked in my life, made me trust you and then disappeared in silence, leaving me wonder what went wrong when I wanted you to give me one chance.
And for this, I have all the right to be angry. I believed you and adhered to your words with literal exactness. I always wanted to show up because I thought you would worry about me if I didn’t talk to you as we both claimed to be each other’s best friend. But it was always you who never wanted to be with me because someone asked you not to. And you never said it directly to me ‘cause it’d hurt me. But you had no idea how I would felt and how I was feeling when I got to know you don’t want to be with me from a third person.
Just do think only one time with good conscience that who wasn’t sure, who was really responsible and who was ready. But you won’t ever think of it, I know. You won’t accept me for who I am only because of who I was. So, I’ll just assume that I’m the one who never deserved you or the one who was never worth it.
I changed for good. And it was the good in ME that you never saw.