The Beautiful Butterfly and an Average Caterpillar

The first time I touched her hand my whole body trembled, I felt my heart was in my mouth and I was so nervous that I was sweating. It was the first time we met, and that had been a long wait, so many years of just trying to make her reply to me, finding ways to post things so that she notices me. Seven years of loving her and never been able to meet her, talk to her. But this was the best day of my life, I was finally able to hold her hand, look at her face. She was the first girl I had ever talked to in life, imagine that. First friend I actually considered my bestest friend and first and only girl I have ever loved. Can you imagine the feeling? It’s like you walk in a desert for months without water and finally you reach a water stream.

She is so soft, I told myself. As soft as I had imagined, just like her cuckoo like voice that echoes in my heart and ears ever since and until the day I die. I first heard it back in 2012. Just like her soft heart that made her sensitive. Just like she herself is, so delicate that I often used to think, she is cotton candy, and she would melt if someone even raised their voice. I was so full of emotions, which I was able to hide perfectly, but inside of me, butterflies fluttered because the girl of my dreams was finally there, the butterfly, I fell in love with long before I even knew what love was, right there in front of me. God knows, that was the best moment of my life. It was my first nickname for her and she nicknamed my caterpillar.

I know she doesn’t remember this but the first time she saw me, her words were ‘eww this guy is so ugly, thank God that isn’t you…’

I am a very simple person, average perhaps. There is nothing to like about me if you meet me, perhaps. The truth is, after that day I totally changed myself; those hours in the gym and 40 min long jogs in extreme summer drained me to death, doctors had advised me that I just had a surgery and I cannot risk my life like this but I had to do it, I had to look as acceptable to her as possible. That was my motivation, after all she is my life.

She really is a bub! I must tell you. If you can find me anyone as amazing as her, I would fly to mars. Because that is impossible. When she gets excited, to me it seems like the whole world is jumping, when she is happy, to me it feels like the whole world is having a carnival. When she was sad or depressed, I stopped doing anything and everything because how can I do something happy or normal when she is not happy? When she was unwell, I used to stop eating out because how can I do that when the love of my life has to eat boring food.

I was an early sleeper and riser, all my life. 10-6, all my life. But then she came along, listening to her voice gave me the best feeling ever. There was huge time difference back then and I wasn’t able to talk properly. I thought I am the most cruel person in the whole world. That day onwards, no matter which time zone, which time of day, sick or unwell, busy or free I never gave her a single day to say, hey you did not talk to me (I think, I hope). Because she was precious to me.

She forgot that I was so careful of not being a botheration in her daily routine or life that I barely ever called her or texted her on my own all these years…The only thing she got mad at me were that I forced her to talk daily. Over years, she forgot that she made me promise that there won’t be a single day that we won’t talk because she isn’t able to sleep without talking to me. I hope she knows I just kept my promise. I hope she knows that I wanted to talk because I was afraid that maybe there will come a day where I won’t be able to hear her voice…I hope she will forgive me for that.

She is so exciting! Those times speaking in Punjabi, making funny plans, talking about colleagues, saying funny words, sleeping while talking, calling me in the middle of night to tell her a story, waking up and calling because she was scared, Sharing the problems so that I help her find solution to them, showing me her shoes, finger, knee, writing the diary, cooking food and showing, making sandwiches for me, singing songs randomly, singing bin tere kya hai jeena and tum dena saath mera, telling me I am coming downstairs in 5 minutes, sharing memes, it is just a part of her that has become a part of me.

The adventure was my chance to show her how much I love her and care for her, those few days enjoying everything about her were the best days of my life. Nothing will ever top that. From getting to pull her cheeks to trying to catch up with her because she walked fast in excitement, the adventures from zoo to trying new food and then asking me to eat it because she didn’t like it.

I hope she knows that although she was mad at me that I forcefully ask her to meet and spend time, I didn’t think even twice before leaving everything and coming to the butterfly town. From standing outside her office in extreme cold to eating ice-cream on the way back were the days I had always dreamt of. That, although I was very annoying each day I just…. I hope she understands I never wanted to miss any chance of spending time with her, I hope she forgives me and doesn’t hate me for that.

By this time, I had spent all my strength fighting, trying, making things possible to be with her. Leaving country, family, job for a place where I never wanted to be was not as easy as I made it to look…it was the biggest decision of my life. But I did it because she told me, that’s the only way she’s gonna take a stand for me.  That anyone can love me, you got to have money too. Last day I met her, I requested her to think about it properly, because I don’t want to go away from her, please don’t send me away from you. She said, that’s the only way. I cannot take a stand if you stay….

I know I was very stubborn all this while, but only I know what I was going through. Fear of losing you was the worst feeling ever. So don’t hate me for being annoying please. You did not like me wishing you one birthday in a simple manner, I even tried to make it up for that as much as I could because there was never anything bad about you in my heart. I would have made up for everything  else as well, just like I did for this…

I hope you know, that the pain of heart is several times worse than the physical pain and does not have a cure. That when you make someone your destiny and it blocks the road ahead, you cannot move on, because there is just darkness. That when you whole-heartedly love someone, there is no place for anything else in your heart. When you make someone your life, then there is no life without them.

Keep trying they say but every time I close my eyes I see you. So I try not to sleep because I miss you, but when I don’t sleep I imagine you, and if I fall asleep then I dream you, and when I wake up I think about you. I eat something, I see you eating with me, I see someone laugh I think about you, I see any person or a random girl in the street, I think of you. I smell your fragrance out of nowhere, I listen a single line of a song somewhere, I think of you. When someone talks about airport, middle east, travel, adventure, Pakistan, Capital, i see a bird, I think of you. When it rains, its you. I can't even listen to my favourite singer anymore. Because memories of you. These are facts and not dialogues... And what about November? Whenever November comes, it’s all you.

So it’s not going to get better; I remember when I said please don’t… you said so what….go and start smoking… I even tried that. It still didn’t get easier. I tried dying it didn’t get better. You know if I am dead, I cannot think of the most beautiful girl ever, how can I do that? But if I live, my heart misses her so much that I want to die. You see the misery? Because even when I was miserably dying, it was just you on my mind. You said, hate me, but my words are same, that I cannot hate someone I love. If you know me well enough, I am someone who always said I will only love and be with one person in my life. That I cannot be like others who love someone else and move on and marry someone else. It will be against everything I have ever believed. That's why I gave you 100%. I was average, and my 100% was not enough for you. But that's all I had. And after all, you are my pyari. My heart has always been filled with love for you. Ever since I have known what love is...

Not only are your memories physically with me, each and everything you ever shared. But they are in my mind and heart too. They are part of my soul… I know things that even you didn’t ever notice or remember. Do you remember you created a blog? wrote a couple of posts? I even have a link to that. Even the most random things you said, or did, or I noticed. Because you always told me, I don’t want someone who does big things for me, I want someone who notices and does small things for me. I tried both, big and small.

Your behaviour with me had been not that good pyari, you used to insult me a lot, make fun of me and everything about us, shout at me and all but I never minded it. I always thought, its Butterfly, its okay. But.... Before flying you told me that I am a liar, fraud and traitor who used to forcefully make her talk. These words really broke me.

I just wished you had never said that. It may have helped me survive. Because pyari, there wasn’t a day or time or second where I gave you less than 100%. I was always honest towards you, always treated you with utmost respect. I wasn’t perfect, but I never gave you less than 100%. From advise, to guiding to caring to loving to helping to supporting you in everything. No matter how much it cost me, how much I had to go through over the years I always made sure no harm comes to you especially because of me. Every time I had a choice in life where I had to pick something good for my future or wellbeing or your future and wellbeing I always preferred you.  But you know how much that hurt me.... It was like someone had thrown me from an airplane in deep sea...that torn me apart mentally and physically.

Before blocking, to everything I did for her, you said, so what… I did not ask you to. 

Maybe you did ask me pyari, maybe you forgot that you did. I did everything you asked me to do, because you said I always chicken out,  because I wanted to show you how much you meant to me, because I trusted you and your words blindly.... and even if I did something for you that you did not ask me to do, I still did it for you, because after all, it was you… because I never wanted to give you the feeling that I did not try my best. Just, in future, if you are not busy, think about this, how must have that made me feel. How must have that made you feel if you were at my place and I had said that to you... God knows, all the strength I had, I did my best and now there isn’t anymore.

Today, from being the most important person in your life to the only person you hate and don’t talk to has totally broken the already broken me. You know when I used to say I will become your gate keeper etc. I really meant that. Because at least you I would have been able to see you... When I said if they make me the king of the whole world and ask me to choose I will still pick you. Because without you, its nothing. You should have at least thought about me, about us.

Time heals, prayers help, it gets better, and etc etc but that’s not me, I know that. If you know me, you will know that too. If you don’t; then know that I don’t want to and can’t forget anything about you. To be honest, the truth is I never learnt to live without you because I trusted you and your words. You have no idea how much I miss you, your voice, the chatpatti chulbuli si batein and everything. You were the only person I had always looked up to, you were the only friend I called my best friend, only person I promised to love and loved, only human I truly cared for, always wanted and expected something from, opened up to, shared and did things because you were my angel and my hope.

Although you said you will never leave me, and would prefer dying. Always told me you loved me more than I loved you. I always told you, if that time comes when you don’t need me anymore, I will side-line myself quietly in hope maybe someday you have a place for me in your life again. I did that last time as well, I don’t know if you will ever talk to me again or not but remember that its me, and its you. No matter what happens, what condition and situation I am in I will always be there. I don't know if you will give me a place in your life now or if you ever have place for me. But even if you ever need to share, talk, seek advice, get angry or furious out of the blue, I will always be there. Don’t think twice, because its me. Our world or relation is not dependent on a symbol or category or name. Its just you and me. After all, you and your well-being are our first priority. Remember? That'll last until my last day. Because you are sabtuch.

There I was lying on the hospital bed, hoping, praying, that I die, but hoping and praying that at least, she would call me, ask me how I am. Hoping and praying that I would get to hear her voice and maybe that will save me from going from bad to worse. That for sure, after all these years, I wasn't this worthless to her, she has such a soft heart for everyone and after all, I am the most important. That over all these years I never ever told her I was unwell until I was well again. That even if she used to get mad at me for being annoying I got worried even if she sneezed. That for sure she would not make me go through this on my own, after all I did everything for her.... After I gained consciousness and some senses I tried calling her, hoping I could hear her sweet voice and it will maybe cure me. But she messaged me that don't contact me anymore I have left you. God knows, God knows, I wanted the roof to fall on me.

But I told myself that I love her more than anything else, that she is my bholi, but that I love her more than anything else so its okay, that she cares for everyone all the time, its okay if she doesn't for me, she sometimes needs a break from doing everything for others and caring for them all the time. But that I love her more than anything else, so its okay. That I was the only person she had the liberty to get mad and angry with, order and make do things, so she can have the liberty now as well, but that I love her more than anything else, so its okay. 

Although I am miserable right now, a crippled and mental with no future anymore but there hasn't been a morning or night when I have... how do I say it... I know your home leaving time when at 7:50-8:10 you said good morning so I say it back now in my mind and heart, and I try my best to guess what time you will be returning from office so I can pray the same prayer for your safe journey from and back home. I still, every weekend, I have lost interest in everything to be honest, I have lost the sense of feeling, the positiveness, the strength the courage, the goodness, the I still check my phone hoping its you, a new message tone still makes my heart as nervous as it used to get whenever I received a message from you, in hope. I don't have an English or code word for it....nazar utarta hun. I still smile when I imagine you dancing with me, rolling on the bed trying to hide the TV remote. I still worry if you eat three times a day or not and if you are healthy and you get enough sleep because you know.. fresh and healthy butterfly was the most enjoyable.

You do know I can go on and on and on about you, heck, I wrote two books on and about you... so I really can. But I know you don't like to read longer things.  But what do I do now...you have blocked me from everywhere, told me not to contact you at all. The truth is I never even wanted you to know what I am going through, I never wanted you to think of me as a weak person, but I couldn't stop others from doing that. And when I got to talk to you for few seconds, I couldn't hold back because it was you, my strength afterall, no strength means weakness. Also, the truth is I have never shared anything ever with anyone else except you because afterall, it was you who said that Caterpillar open up to me, I want you to open up, I won't let you down ever. So I just have you to share so I did. I hope you didn't find that annoying...

She is sweetly stubborn too! Fighting with her forcing her to take medicines, reminding her and getting angry with her when she forgot to buy them or forgot the names, convincing and arguing with her to go visit the hospital. Because knowing she was unwell and I cannot be there for her was the worst feeling ever. I hope she knows I wasn’t really angry at her, I just pretended too...most of the times.

She forgot that I would have done anything and everything for her, be it climbing the top of a mountain literally, like literally. If she wanted me to die for her, I would have literally. She just shouldn't have abandoned my such harshly. She could have easily dealt with the situation maturely. I expected that from her, I had pinned and risked everything for that. Afterall I trusted her that she would fight for me, with me. Where do I go now, what do I do now, I just had one life, I gave it to her, now there is nothing left for me. I don't even deserve a place in her life? how why? she said no matter what I will never leave you? why would she do that to me? I am a dead person, with no feelings, no smile, no future anymore, and that's how it will be for the rest of my life, until I am dead. I hope that's early.

The question that will haunt me for the rest of my life will be, why did she behave so badly with me before going away? why did she hurt me so much? why did she become so cruel towards me, what was my mistake? That will haunt me, tear me apart for the rest of my life. I don't know if she will give me a place in her life now. But, I love her.

The butterfly has flown away, and the caterpillar is left crawling in the desert. There are no signs of any water stream… The caterpillar will crawl as much as it can, he will wait and hope, but it’s not young anymore, the body and mind doesn’t support, the heart is broken because the butterfly hates the caterpillar now and has flown far away, the caterpillar will keep trying and crawling but most probably, he will be lost forever. Because afterall, Butterflies last for years, while caterpillars live just few days.

It was her and me at the restaurant, she was in that green dress she had bought for her birthday, and today was her birthday. She was so happy and excited. I was so happy and excited because I was able to be there for her this time. I thought my life was complete, I will never leave this city no matter what, because this is perfect, just like she is perfect. I gave her all the gifts and surprises and when I was done, she was most happy with the stuffed lion and she even named him baablush instantly, I could see her glowing eyes going through everything.

After all was done and dusted she was in a hurry and had to leave, she was going away but she suddenly turned back, I thought she had forgotten something. But no, she turned back and said, I love you so much, without even noticing or caring the people around. This was the first time I had heard these words right on my face. She was blushing. My heart just melted. I wanted time to stop. I love you too, I said. She left, smiling and blushing with a bunch of gifts in her hand like a bholi si guriya. It’s all worth it, I said to myself while looking at her leave. I promised myself I’ll do anything for her, I will care for her, keep her wrapped in a cotton bag forever and for sure love her forever and always, no matter what. I repeated the promise which she made me promise years ago on our first valentine, when she was just 18) to that day to my last, I'll keep that promise, no matter what happens.