Alhamdulillah for Everything

First things first, this has to be one of the worst phase of my life for sure. What I thought to be months and months of extreme depression turned out to be something really serious. But hey, I am alive, I can breathe, eat, drink and well, kind of enjoy what we all know as... life.

Since there is no one around to talk to and share stuff, I remembered that the best friend I always had was writing, too bad I forgot but hey it is never too late is it? Here it is... that one constant in my life.

Somewhere down the line everyone does realize that depending on people is the biggest mistake, they are never there when you want them to be and I always knew that, sadly did not do anything and kept giving chances...Be good to people and don't worry about the outcome, paid a big price sure as hell, I did. But hey, everyone deserves a fair chance so it is okay.

Look what a friend sent me, things like these, when people take their time out (waste time on you) is the best feeling anyone can ever have. Made me happy, first time in weeks. 

Doctors asked me to avoid too much sadness and too much excitement, must say they don't know what a Pakistani is like. These are the only two things we know, how am I to survive now? Stupid doctors. Buy hey you gotta do what the doctor orders.

Life is all about learning from your experiences, must say I have some magical and horrible experiences (mostly horrible) but hey that's how you become strong don't you. Rise from the ashes and something something is some kinda quote I can't really remember it right now.

This reminds me, ever since I have opened my eyes my memory has become worst, it has to get better with time but what if it does not? What if I forget umm like something important? But hey, everything has its positives, maybe it will help me forget the horrible times.

These days I am contemplating about a few things, one of them is, should I change my nature, the way I am with people? I don't want to but at the same time... also thinking about opening my mouth about something, the only thing that holds me back is will it be worth it? I think not. but hey, there is a limit... lets see what happens.

Since these days I am allowed to do nothing at all except for staying in bed and staring at the roof and occasional usage of phone, news and comedy shows have been keeping me alive to be honest. Nothing seems funny these days but hey you gotta pass some time.

Since Ramadan, so I decided to recite Holy Quran properly, believe you me, umm well don't but it feels like .. so good... so normal.. peaceful. The words sometime make no sense, yet they make sense. Can't fast but hey, can be a Muslim.

It was emotional* (Oh hey doctor) saying goodbye to your roommate, the one who was source of my free food but hey a few months break from the same face does not hurt does it.

Trying to write this to feel normal, really. I feel lonely and lost these days, how I would give anything away for the people I love and care to be with me at this point of my life. But hey, everything has a reason. (or maybe this is just the satisfaction I have been giving myself for years now)

Why does it feel like a two edged knife? Can't I stand and walk again or fly like a kite? Visit a park and enjoy sunlight? Talk to old men and see the kids smile? Visit a restaurant to eat fish and fries? A day of comfort and no fright? Instead of dark, see the bright side? Can't I have a painless night? Just so I can sleep tight? Or...feel alive. Maybe wrong but I deserve a normal life.

Okay this... well... it makes no sense .. but ...feelings you know. It was nice talking to myself after a long long time. Baby steps towards recovery, soon towards normality, back to trying and change the world one person at a time, for now, it is tough but hey, they say, this too shall pass. Therefore.. Alhamdulillah for everything.