A Quest: Finding Myself

Written By: Fizzah Aziz

Sometimes a strange, deep understanding takes hold of my mind and heart. I see life, understand its undercurrents . I know how it has to be lived, how I'm going to live it. How I'm going to put everything right. Satisfaction seeps deep inside and I feel happy.

But then at other times I feel so vulnerable and so naive, almost childlike. At these times life seems so scary, something I can't understand or hold on to. I cry, console myself, dry the tears and then cry again.

I am then compelled to think which one of these two beings I really am? Am I the confident and mature human being who is contented with life or the timid, bewildered girl who is afraid of taking charge, terrified of risks, afraid of change? Who am I?

If I can just somehow know this, I'll be able to reconcile with life. I'll know when to stop fighting. I'll know what life has to offer me and what i have to live without. But this isn't going to be easy is it? Because this is what life is about.

If we already know our inner selves, know what our destiny is, and how must we pave our way towards it, then what would remain of the purpose of this life? Hasn't Allah bid us in the Holy Qur'an to explore the secrets of this universe and those lying within our souls? This, then is the purpose of this world: To learn and to understand.

If yes, then I guess it doesn't matter if I do not yet know myself. I'll spend this life figuring it out, and if I'm successful then I'll be lucky enough to fulfill my destiny. Yeah.. I guess that's it.

It doesn't really matter if life sometimes frightens me, if the attractions of this world entice and beguile me, because in the end I have this straight path ahead of me and I've just got to have faith and will enough to follow it. Never straying off a little is impossible because alas I'm just a human being; weak and easily tempted. And well humans are famous for succumbing to their weaknesses. History shows famous men doing that, what chance then do I stand? But if they could leave their mark on the world, I can hope to leave mine. 

Yes. This is something my heart yearns to be able to do. I know, I am but a single grain of sand among trillions of such grains, but i don't want to live and die a nonentity. I want to be a someone and not a noone. May I can make this a little part of my true destiny.

My path is strewn with maybes, ifs, buts and hows... But I guess I'll have to figure it all out along the way. After all this is life, not a merger plan of some kind that can be penned down in ink and planned out in detail before it actually happens.

1. 

I'm happy, I'm satisfied, I'm contented. For now everything's fine, and the path ahead is lighted with fairy lanterns. I'll think about worrying when I need to, right now the starry night is waiting for me. I've got so many dreams to dream, so much to be happy about tonight.