Love is not a Victory March.

Written by Faryha Awan :) Original article is here.

She looked down the window that faced the street. It was decorated so beautifully, you would think it is a scene out of some Disney movie. And snow was adding a serene look to the whole decorum. She could see groups of people, of all ages, merrily roaming and wishing happiness to everyone for New Year.

She signed in despair, longing for a heart so light and so happy. She was calling him for the 34^th time in last half hour, yet his number was busy. “The painfully excruciating moment when you call your boyfriend on New Year at 12 and he is on another call.” She typed it on twitter and pressed enter.

She again looked down the window. People were celebrating New Year night with new zest and zeal. She saw them checking their watches and making new plans and new goals for the upcoming year. They were happy, they were excited. But she was not. Not a teensy bit happy. On the contrary she was afraid of what laid ahead. Their laughters were strangling and weakening her, like her own personal kryptonite. Right now she felt as if someone had taken her windpipe in hand and was squeezing it so bad that she couldn’t breathe. 

There was no heart there but just a hollow cavity and her lungs were too small for her. It was the scare of losing him. “I am scared of being without you” She had told him repeatedly, “I don’t wanna wake up a day without being your girl.” And he would always smile and tell her that he loved her. And now she was unable to comprehend that how could he not see that love for him. A tear drop slid down her cheek, “I don’t exist without you and you don’t exist without me. Then why do you do this?” She thought painfully and dialed again, only to get the same results.

Lately, he had started to act so strange like she was not the only person in his life. He would do stuff like this to make her doubtful. She had to ask for hug and kiss, literally beg for attention. She was not a weak girl. She was strong, very strong. She could take every pain in life but the pain of losing him. Even the mere thought would scare her to the very core.  Every time he did something like this, a little part of her died. And it would hurt. It would hurt so very much and she didn’t even get numb. Neither would the pain stop nor did she get used to it. She redialed and closed her eyes. Familiar tone she had been listening to for last half hour hit her ears again and she opened her eyes. Deep as Nile, determined as a soldier.

Today, when whole world was celebrating, she felt alone among the crowd of people. Her insides were all dark. She couldn’t celebrate for even a second… She was getting texts from her friends wishing New Year.  Texts that were mocking her and striking another blow on her wounds. “You did this to me” she thought fiercely and started typing, “You are ruining all the things for me. All I wanted was your love. Undivided love! But if you already have shared it with someone else, then let me know because I don’t like sharing. I want you to let me enjoy my life. I want you to let me enjoy these occasions. It seems unfair to me that you are celebrating while I am here, cold and alone, writing this text like a despicable loser. I hate you for killing the light inside me! You don’t exist for me anymore…I hate you… I hate you!!” Then she hit send and once the text was sent, she mustered all her might and threw the phone as farthest away as possible and exhaled.

Somewhere, someone was watching Shrek, she smiled as she heard, “And love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah!”