Sunday, April 12, 2015

Tangled in the Web of Feelings

Strange Feeling

Written By: Maham Shahbaz

Warmth such as that of a mothers embrace and security that a father’s presence brings. But do you think it’s because of the gestures? No…it’s because of the strong love we feel for them and we believe that they would do anything. They might as well do anything because they have strong love for their children.

Why? Why do we get tangled in a web of feelings? Isn’t it stupid how you cry one minute and the other everything is just fine? Well played god! Well played! You keep us busy in these feelings that seem so real. Oh but what is real? Don’t you understand that we cannot be happy forever, there is no such thing. We cannot be sad forever, it’s not possible. We cannot have any consistent feeling, not love and not hatred. These feelings they will break you and they will mend you.

They will heal all of your wounds and they will make you feel elated for a week or so but then reality will make you aware of its presence and the fog will start to clear away like it does when the sun comes out. You will see your scars but you won’t feel pain because scars don’t ache they just remind you of what you’ve been through. And you start coming down slowly from that oh-so-beautiful elation. If your feelings are kind to you they will give you time to softly get to ground where reality can hold you once more but if they are not kind they will throw you down from the top then and you will blame reality for catching you. after a month or two when you are at the brink of your patience and you will confront yourself and ask yourself why you betrayed yourself like that they will take you high up again from reality and you will once again feel light and weightless. Up in the sky you see all sorts of marvels. Like when you were on that plane and you saw the land down below like a painted textured canvas and it looked peaceful and you saw mountains and you thought you’d crash into them but then you had your fathers hand to hold, again his presence was enough to make you feel okay, or like the night time when its dark but the stars make you fall in love with the sky. Or like the time when you saw clouds floating around like cotton and you made your 5th grade painting of sky and used cotton for clouds. It made you feel weightless because you were not close to land, reality. But then the next day when your feelings leave you again and you fall and you fall and reality rushes up to catch you and then you stay patient and then you confront your feelings again and then they take you up and they throw you down again and again and again and again…

You don’t notice but the wounds they healed were a lot less. They healed parts of you but then they gave you a bigger wound and then they healed it and then gave it to you again and they continue and they don’t stop until you have no more unscarred skin left for them. Then they seem to stop throwing you down and reality doesn’t rush up to catch you. Then you wait in midair, you float about and you still can’t find peace or bliss but then it’s too late to come to that realization and that’s when your bubble pops and you die.

You pray, you love, you hate, you envy, you get happy, you get sad and you keep on bumping up and down like the time when you rode your bicycle through the bumpy pathway with lots of trees and you felt so free so happy but then you fell and you bruised your knee but you said it was worth it. Was it though? We give so many words to our feelings, there are several books dedicated to feelings odes to love, hatred, envy, ecstasy, depression but that solved nothing for anybody. There is no consistency in life. We long for consistency because we don’t have it and we will never because you will not feel any sort of thrill riding your bike on a clear road you want rocks you want bumps along your path.

I read somewhere “Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.” So you let your feelings take you up and you let them throw you down sometimes gently and mostly very harshly. And you let them scar you, you show them the skin they left unscarred and they aim right there and they destroy it and you let them because it feels really good right before they throw you down again and in that little time you can experience forever.

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