Saturday, May 10, 2014

Talking to Myself


I have just opened my eyes and it is raining outside, I can hear the rain drops striking my window and I feel like going out and enjoy the rain. Call it a coincidence but 'Rain Over Me' is playing on the iPod. Not a song that helps you enjoy the rain more but still fits the code. (Fits the code eh, so Dexter Morgan-ish)

There is so much to write about, so many exciting things that are happening in my life these days. But then I end up writing about the same things again and again.

Maybe I have written about all the things there are? I mean what is there in life to write about except a few specific typical topics? Friendship, love, trust, cricket, food. My daily routine. umm that's about it.

Strange mood it is, there is this urge to write about good happy things in a funny way, but the mood tells me to write about something serious, sharing my thoughts and talking to myself. YES. Talking to myself.

Okay now I realized how boring my life is.

Or wait .. no it is not boring. There is a lot happening but don't know why I don't want to share it. I want to keep my things to myself not for anyone or everyone to read. Wow that's strange too, I was never like this.

But I just don't want to.

This fear that if you'll share good things with people they'll get ruined. This fear that if you'll share the bad things that happen in your life, they'll get worse. Am I superstitious or what. Anyways I will not share them this time at least.

I want to change the world. I have been looking for that one breakthrough that'll help me achieve my aim in life. I have tried so many things until now. Charity work. Social work. WWF. Youth Movements. Helping and talking to poor little kids (which by the way gives me the most satisfaction and happiness) working for PTI, but that internal satisfaction is not there.

The one reason I find is that maybe I want things to happen too quickly, even when it doesn't work that way. There are so many problems, so many of them which take decades to be solved. Maybe I should tell myself that one day when something good will happen from something I was a part of, I'll be a satisfied person. For now I am not.

Maybe I should just try and do the minor things now. The good minor things? Making people smile, helping them, being there for them, helping a gardner while he is working, buying something for the old aunt that lives nearby all alone, playing with the kids more than I do.

Umm maybe I should start offering prayers and reciting the Holy Quran. Maybe that'll give me the internal satisfaction. (?)

RobotsOr maybe I should go to a nearby water fall and jump into the water? Maybe I should swim more, maybe I should paraglide. Just get rid of all the fears there are, if there are.

Maybe I should close my eyes and start a dream world of my own where everything is just perfect? You can edit the mistakes you make, start all over? But then I will open my eyes sometime.

I also just noticed, nothing in these above paragraphs include sharing my thoughts with someone else. Sometimes there is this feeling that I am better off with aliens instead of humans.

This is so senseless. But I just don't know, in any case me making sense to myself is a rare event.

One things is for sure, I am gonna go back to being myself. That helps actually, it really does.

What am I even writing? People may think I am a sad soul who has had several bad experiences (I haven't) .... wait? Should I care about what people think? I do think a lot about what people think. I should not. 

Hahah or maybe it is just that I think too much, observe too much. Maybe everything is fine? Maybe that is how life is for everyone, maybe I should just be a part of this world and the life everyone lives, let it take over me so I can spend the rest of my life as a robot.... Or maybe I should stop living an already robotic life? Idk. 

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